子守歌はロックン・ロール 原題：Our Very First Night
冒頭より。
Je: All right.
Jo: And the diaper is ... ON!
Je: Beautiful! 17 minutes. We beat our old record by 37 minutes
JJ: Baby wipe.
Jo: Hold it. I'm about to make an quantum leap in diaper theory.
Je: Go with it, go with it.
Jo: If we triple the diaper, we get three times the protection,
but we change her one-third as often.
Je: Loving it, loving it. We get two diapers together, and, Michelle
Tanner, come on,.. down!
Jo: The other way to go is to tie a hefty bag around her waist.
That way we'd only have to change her on trash day.
Je: Jr. Jammy time. Ha?
Jo: It's you.
Je: All right. We go. We put the leg in, ...like... so.... simply...
uh... we tie....like this, very nice.
Jo: Wow! Snagging a plan. I suggest we go with the lovely two piece
ensemble from baby Almani.
Je: Using your head, using your head. All right. Here you go.
Jo: Oh, yuppie, baby.
Je: Oh, this is great.
Da: O.K. I got the girls....
JJ: Tada!
Da: Gentlemen, Tarzan, who was raised in the jungle by apes,
went to bed in better shape than that baby.
Je: Big deal. You're talking about a guy who wore diapers entire life.
Da: I really appreciate the effort, but I'll take it from here.
Je: Oh, yeah. Now that all the work is done. Good night, Michelle.
Jo: Good night, uncle Jessie. Next time you see me,
I'll have a big surprise for you.
I don't care how many diapers I have on. Hi Hi Hi Hi...
Da: Give me my kid. Oh! You really are a good sport.
Je: Young little **** are this p***......
St: Hi, uncle Jesse.
Je: How are you doing, kid?
St: What's happened to my room?
Je: It's pretty cool, huh? Look at this.
I'm hanging Elvis up right here.
St: Over my bunnies?
Je: Oh, Steph your bunnies are very uh, pink.
St: My mom made those bunnies just for me.
Don't you like them?
Je: These bunnies. I love these bunnies. I'm sure Elvis
had bunnies hanging all over Graceland.
Da: OK, it's riddle time. What has blond hair, purple
pajamas and is up way past their bed time?
St: Um, Elvis?
Jo: Steph, the sandman express is coming. All aboard.
St: Ho ho.
Je: You see that. Any o' your ape friends do that for Tarzan?
Jo: Last stop, Stephanie's bed.
St: Thank you sandman express.
Jo: And the sandman express runs every night.
DJ: If I get on now, you'll drop me off at the nearest hotel?
Da: OK, let's say good night.
Je: Alright, good night junior babe.
St: Uncle Jesse, tell us a bedtime story.
Je: Uncle Jesse doesn't know any bed time stories.
St: Yes, he does.
Je: No, he doesn't.
St: Yes, he does.
Je: No, he doesn't.
St: Yes, he doooeesss.
Je: I'll make one up. Woh
St: Yeeahh...
Je: Alright, fellows, help me out here.
Jo: We'll make it to a game.
Steph, you start the story and you girls point to us
when you want someone else to take over.
St: Okay. Once upon a time there was a pretty girl
named Cinderella. Daddy.
Da: And uh Cinderella wanted to go to this big fancy ball.
And on the way she wandered into this cabin,
and she fell asleep in papa bear's bed.
St: I don't think so.
Da: No, wait, honey, it gets better.
So she is on a bed, she is out like a light.
when all of a sudden....
St: Ggg! Joey.
Jo: Um.. when Cinderella woke up, she was real thirsty.
So she went to a Seven-Eleven for a Slurpee where..
she ran into Bullwrinkle.
So Bullwrinkle said, "Hello, Cinderella.
Would you like to come to the ball with me?
Not only am I a great dancer.
But you can hang your coat on my antlers."
Kids love this stuff.
So....
DJ: Ggg! Uncle Jesse.
Je: So Cinderella and boorincle, they get married right.
They go on a newly wedded game.
And they win a grand prize selected especially for them.
Good night.
St: Ggg! Daddy.
Da: Until the big bad wolf came on them.
And he said, "Open up, or I'll huff, and I'll puff,
and I'll blow your house down. And I can do it, too,
because as we all know wolves have an amazing lung capacity.
St: Ggg! Joey.
Jo: Hhuu..
DJ: Ggg! Uncle Jesse.
Je: So the wolf, the moose, the babe,
they all fell in love right.
They move to Sweeden where people are a lot more cool
about sort of things.
And that's the end of the story.
Good night and good bye.
DJ: No monsters, no witches, but that story was very scary.
Da: Okay, sweetheart. It's time to go to bed.
St: Can I ask one more favor?
Da: Sure, honey. What is it?
St: Study these story books.
We'll talk about them in the morning.
Da: Okay, who wants puddle duck and the quack-quack gang?
JJ: Read it.
Je: Oh, Joey, Danny, how are you guys doing? Good night.
Da: Wow,wow hold it guys. Red light.
Guys, the only way that three adults can leave the house
at the same time is if three children are with them.
Two adults can leave, one adult can leave, three, two,
or one child can leave with one to three adults. The
three adults can never leave with less than three children.
Got it?
Je: Look, that's all fascinating stuff.
But I've got to get to (the) band rehearsal.
Jo: Yeah, I have a ten thirty slot at the laugh machine.
Da: I have to do the sports at ten o'clock. I'm sorry Jesse.
Je: What do you mean I'm sorry Jesse?
Why not I'm sorry Joey I'm sorry Danny.
Da: Because I have an actual job that pays money.
Jo: And I bring the gift of laughter into the world at ten thirty.
Je: Yes, well I make music, songs that touch people's hearts
that penetrate their very souls.
Now how can you compare that to telling jokes?
Jo: Are you seriously trying to tell me that music is more
important than comedy?
Je: You got it, pal.
Jo: Two words. Ozzy Osborne.
Je: Two more words. Rip Taylor?
Jo: The Partrige Family.
Je: Anyone on Hee-Haw.
Jo: Charro.(?)
Je: Bozo.
Jo: Hey, Bozou did some brilliant work.
Je: Oh, yeah, right, right. The early Bouzou was real good.
I'm sorry.
Jo: OK, we'll settle this with the only truly fair way. Ready go.
Once again comedy kicks music's butt.
Da: I'm sorry man. All three girls are sleeping like angels.
I know I can trust you, Jesse.
If there's even the slightest problem.
Je: Yeah, yeah go live your life. hey, baby it's fine.
I'll just give up my dreams to be a success in the music business.
I'll sit home and read honey bunny and the wee little Glen.(?)
Da: I couldn't put it down.
Je: Get out of here.
DS: Hi, uncle Jesse.
Je: Hi, girls. Girls, you're supposed to be in bed, girls.
Wow,wow...Girls, girls...You're supposed to be in bed, dreaming
about tweedy/tweetie bird or Big Bird or Larry Bird or something?
DJ: Uncle Jesse, if we get hungry, dad always makes sure we have a
late night snack.
St: We're gonna have ice cream sundaes and chocolate milk
DJ: And cookies.
Je: Freeze, chick. Alright, I know. I'm pretty hip here.
You guys think I'm a..I'm an idiot or something?
Let me tell you something.
I know what's going on here. Your dad's
gone and it's let's take advantage of the baby sitter time.
I've got news for you, girls.
Your uncle Jesse is a little too sharp to be
taken on that kind of ride. Now you can have ice cream
and chocolate milk, no cookies.
St: Yeah!
DJ: OK.
St: Hey my name is Zippy and my hus' name's Zoro.
We come from San Francisco with the coddled-up zebras.
Hey my name is Alice..
DJ: That's enough for jump rope. Let's do the hand jive.(?)
St: Okay. But I can't stop jumping.
I may never sleep again. Thanks.
DJ: Two balls of ice cream triggers you a lot of pep, huh.
St: Does pep mean you can't blink?
DJ: That's pep. Party time.
Je: I've got three little girls upstairs sound asleep.
Sticks. Licorice. All right, here we go.
Jumpin' Jack flash in B. Ready, one, two, three, fore...
[I was born in a cross fire hurricane...]
What's the matter? Someone out of tune?
St: Do you guys do any Bangles' stuff.
Je: Wow, wow, girls. You're supposed to be in bed. What would
your dad say about this?
DJ: He wouldn't mind. He'd say we're really lucky we have a chance
to listen to the greatest rock band in the world.
Je: Oh, well, yeah, you put it that way, yeah, OK.
DJ: Great hair. Could you show me how to do that?
WM: Sure. It's really/real easy, just sprays/spray's right on.
DJ: Oh, that's for me.
Je: Wow.
DJ: Oh, I bet my dad forgot to tell you about our eleven o'clock
Pizza. Hi, how much?
MN: Eleven fifty.
DJ: Did the cheese slide off or stick to the box?
St: No.
DJ: Keep it.
MN: Hey, do you mind if I check out the band?
DJ: come on in. Open party.
Je: All right, girls listen here now? It's almost midnight.
You guys listen to two, three songs max, eat your pie,
then straight to bed, no nonsense.
St: Boy, are you straight.
Je: Here we go.
Je: --- SING ---
Jo : Congo!
Jo : Boy, are you gonna get it...
Da : Attention solid gold, farm team.
It's twelve fifteen, and your hair is purple. Get down.
And I don't mean get funky. Boys, boys, boys. Walk with me,
talk with me. How could you possibly let this happen?
Jo : Hold it. On behalf of Joey.
I would just like to say that Joey is innocent.
Jo: Oh, it's true I was doing a Congo when you walked in,
but... I Congo a lot. Ha.. My name is Joey, and I'm a Congo-holic.
DJ: Well, it's way past our bed time. Come on, Steph. Good night
everybody.
Da: Girls get back over here. You're in just as much trouble as they are.
DJ: Dad, I know we were supposed to...
Je: D.J, hang on a second. Uh… It's not the girls' fault. It's mine.
I invited the band over, I woke the girls up, I ordered pizza,
I was throwing a party, I needed chicks.
Jo: Baby alert! Beep. Beep. Baby alert!
Da: You girls get right in bed, you guys follow me,
and if that baby's hair is purple.
Da: You're irresponsible and you're unreliable. I'll get back to you.
Oh, Michelle, oh, honey, it's O.K. Daddy is here. I see what this is.
Michelle is getting a new tooth. Oh, that really hurts.
Je: I had nothing to do with it.
Da: Poor baby, imagine, a sharp, pointy, calcified projectile,
ripping and knifing its way through your soft, tender,
inflamed gum tissues.
Jo: I'd say we buy her a pony.
Da: Sometimes, a teething ring helps. Here, Michelle.
Here you go, here honey. She loves it.
Jo: Is this anything like catching the bouquet?
Am I the next one to have a baby?
Je: All right, excuse me fellows, let the pro in,
I'll show how it is done. All right little Munchkin,
where does it hurt?
Je: Oh, ya, give my finger back. Kid.
Da: Well your brain's not working tonight, but your finger is
doing great. Joey, do me a favor, I put one of Michelle's
teething rings in the freezer.
I'd like a word alone with the alleged baby sitter.
Jo: Jesse, I guess it's a bad time to ask for
that girl singer's phone number.
Je: Get out of here.
Da: Well, well,….
Je: What, what,…
Da: Shame, shame,…
Je: I feel like I'm being chewed out in the Grand Canyon.
Da: I suppose I should be happy the house is still standing.
I must've been crazy to think that you were adult enough to
take care of my kids. You really let me down.
Je: Wait a minute, where are you going?
Da: Oh, I thought I'd call up the Beastie Boys and ask them if
they wanna take the girls to the park tomorrow.
Je: You love this, don't you?
St: Uncle Jesse is the best baby sitter we've ever had.
DJ: Yeah, but I'm thinking he's in big trouble.
Get in the bed. No! Your bed!
Da: Girls, are you awake?
DJ: Dad, is that you?
St: Is it morning?
Da: DJ, Stephanie, please come over here right now.
Girls, we have a problem with uncle Jesse.
DJ: Oh, no, dad we didn't have any problems with uncle Jesse
at all.
Da: I'm sorry. He was just so irresponsible. What is this?
Uh,oh?? Empty bowls and empty cartons.
Oh, now I see what happened.
Uncle Jesse forced ice cream sundaes and chocolate milk
down your throats. And then he hid the evidence under your table.
Oh, the sick fiend. He probably ignored you when you
told him no sweets after bed time, huh?
DJ: Probably.
Da: No probably about it. Because otherwise you'd be lying.
And you know better than that, don't you?
St: Probably...
Da: Well, that does it. I guess asking uncle Jesse to move
in here was just a big mistake. In fact, this may be a
matter for the police. Now, sweet dreams my perfect
little angels.
DS: Daddy. We were bad.
DJ: We did everything. We even ordered the pizza. We should
all go apologize to uncle Jesse.
Da: You're right. You go first.
DJ: Are you gonna punish us?
St: Before you answer that, we saved you a slice of pizza.
Je: Good point, Michelle.
The thing I wonder is what is life all about any way.
I mean twenty four hours ago, I was a relatively cool guy.
Today, I'm a six-foot teething ring. All right, bed time.
We're going to my bed. Come with me, come on.
Let's go. O.K. Hang on. I'll put you it back. There you go.
Come with me.
DJ: Uncle Jesse.
Je: Whatever it is, the answer is no.
DJ: We just wanted to say thanks for trying to keep us out of trouble.
The only reason we took advantage of you is
because you had no idea what you were doing.
St: From now on, we will be good, and do whatever you say.
DJ: Steph, don't get crazy. We'll try to do better.
St: You can cover up my bunnies if you want.
Je: That's all right. Your bunnies are starting to grow on me.
St: We really love you.
Je: I love you, girls, too. But next time, you pull that stuff on me...
I'm still gonna love you.
Mi: Daah..
Da: Oh…O.K. Now, either you girls go to bed for real,
or I'm taking everything out of your room
and turning it into a twenty-four-hour mini mart.
DJ: Good night everybody.
St: Good night Daddy, good night Michelle, good night Uncle Jesse.
Da: Good night honey.
Da: Hi.
Je: Hi.
Da: Want a slice of pizza?
Je: No, me and the little leech are gonna try to get some sleep.
Jo: I couldn't find Michelle's teething ring.
So I got the next best thing. An ice cold carrot.
Well, I could've brought the fish sticks,
but you guys would've thought I was an idiot.
Da: Look, Jesse, I want you to know that was really nice of you
to take the rap for DJ and Stephanie. And I'm real sorry,
I got so crazy before walking around you going.. well.. well.. well.
Je: It's cool, cool, cool.
Da: The girls just mean so much to me.
Specially, now, you know, since Pamela's gone.
Je: I know what you're saying, man. I worry 'bout 'em too.
They're my nieces.
Ha.. but I don't know nothing about this kid's stuff.
Da: Yeah, I know, but both of you guys, you guys gotta remember.
Don't be afraid to say no.
Kids need limits.
Je: What am I supposed to know? I've been here twelve hours.
You're expecting me to be Robert Young.
Jo: Now wait I'm confused. Is it Robert Young from "Father Knows Best",
or Robert Young, "Dr. Welby?"
Da: This is gonna take some time.
But we can make this work, if we want it to work.
Jesse, you do want this to work, don't you?
Je: Oh, At first I wasn't sure. But, I don't know, when I saw that kid,
tell me I could cover her bunnies up
and I was looking at the little baby in my arms,
counting on me to stop her from being in a pain.
I don't know, man, I got all warm, and tingling..
somebody, stops me.
Jo: You know, I'm just happy to be here. I was an only child.
All I had was imaginary brothers and sisters.
It feels great to be in a real house with real people, right Leon?
Da: Give me my kid. O.K. Michelle, time to go to bed. Yeah... Lullaby,
and good night, and there's more words I'm not sure of..
Jo: Congo.
Je: Come on Leon.
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